Never the right time...

Never the Right Time

Dear Will…

How are you?  How is your wife?  How are your children?  I can’t believe that we haven’t spoken in so long.  I remember a time when I couldn’t bear to go an hour without hearing your voice.  The lack of your touch would send me into an emotional spiral of despair.  There was a time when I couldn’t exist without you.

We were young then, very young.  We planned our futures together. There was to have been a beautiful wedding where you would wear a kilt and I would wear an immaculate white dress – a princess dress for your princess.  We were so naïve then because you weren’t a man yet and I wasn’t a woman.  Neither of us ready for the commitments were had promised, so we parted ways.

Later, I watched you struggle through relationships that you didn’t seem to want and I acted out my youthful indiscretions in the most harmful ways possible.  You finally got away from HER but I was with HIM.  The wrong time once again for two people that still cared.  There was nothing more than a stolen night or two of intimacy to give solace to one another, nothing more. 

My child came first and I left the man that was destroying my soul piece by piece.  I had to protect my child and he gave me the courage to leave.  That time we thought we had a shot but my battered psyche couldn’t handle a public relationship, so we met in silence.  We met cloaked with deception.  When your father died, it was the deception that destroyed us.  We split because you hurt me and you hurt me so that I could leave you without you destroying me.  I think you knew how damaged I was at the time.  It was a good thing in retrospect.

Next came your surprise child and a wife.  You wanted me at the wedding but I couldn’t go.  I just couldn’t bring myself to look at you marrying another woman in a ceremony that was supposed to be ours.  It was just too hard for me to handle.  I think it hurt you that I wasn’t there but I hope you understood my reasons.

Now I protect my heart.  I don’t give it away anymore because there isn’t much left of me to give.  I have to keep it safe because it has been broken time and time again.  Maybe one day, there will a chance for us, but I won’t wish for it.  A chance for us means your family would have to be destroyed and they don’t deserve that.   However, if there is a chance, I would gladly take it.  I gave my heart to you long ago so that means that if you wanted to try, I wouldn’t have to break down any of the protective barriers I built up around me.

I am not trying for love anymore.  I am simply working to be happy.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Kate